Quantum Happiness Series- Find your Valuable Voice

“Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional.”
–Max Lucado

Drama feeds stress and nourishes ennui. Regardless of who is right or wrong, drama and conflict only serve to demoralize and depress.

Before college, I spent two years as a used car salesman, and I learned lessons there that have served me well over the years. One of those lessons was somewhat politically incorrect, but valuable all the same.

My boss, the owner of the used car lot where I worked, used to remind me often,

“Never argue with an idiot. If someone walks in and sees you standing toe to toe screaming and arguing, they won’t know who the idiot is.”

In other words, when someone is so convinced that they are right, and you are wrong that they are willing to resort to dramatic actions, you may as well save your breath because you will never win that argument.

By continuing to argue with them, you are spinning your wheels. Again, nourishing ennui and spending valuable energy that you can never recover. So, as hard as it may be to let someone else have the last word, shut up and stop arguing.

Just say no

There comes a time in both personal and professional situations when we must say “No.” This simple word inspires fear in the hearts of many, and oftentimes we end up in situations we would rather not be in simply because we will do anything to keep from telling someone no.

However, the more we practice taking control and saying no to things that do not support our goals, the easier it becomes. In most cases, others would rather be told no if you are not interested in participating. But that doesn’t make saying the word any easier. The only thing that makes it easier is practice.

By practicing on small things, we gain confidence and are more able to assert ourselves in other circumstances. For instance, the next time a salesperson asks you to join a mailing list that you don’t really want to join, just say, “No, thank you.”

And the next time you are offered free magazines, or free coffee, or free literature that you do not want, just say, “No, thank you.” There is no need to make excuses nor apologize. Just say, “No, thank you,” and move on.

The trick to saying no effectively is to say it and then be quiet. No excuses, no apologies.

Some cases may be more sensitive than others, but the process is the same. Simply be polite and say, “no.” There may be a moment of uncomfortable silence following your declaration, but it will pass quickly. Would you rather spend five seconds in uncomfortable silence or years trapped in a situation that could have easily been avoided with a single word?

Once again, you are in control. The choice is yours.

Babysitting brouhaha

I have a relative, Cheryl, who has nine children and is always looking for a sitter. I was not raised around children and although I love and nurture my own, I have no interest in caring for the children of others. So, when she calls and asks me to watch the children, I must decline for both their sake and mine.

With nine children, Cheryl is a master of persuasion, so if I said,

“No, I’m not feeling well.”

She might reply,

“No problem. They will just sleep anyway.”

Or if I said I had somewhere to go, she might reply,

“That’s fine. You can take my van and I’ll take your car.”

So, the last time Cheryl called and asked me to watch the three smallest children, I simply said,

“No.”

The silence stretched across the ether. Since I had not presented an obstacle for her to overcome, she could not think of how to persuade me.

I bit my lip, fighting back excuses and apologies. After what seemed like an eternity (but was only about 30 seconds in reality), she sighed and said,

“Okay, I better go and see if I can find somebody else. I’ll talk to you later.”

That 30 seconds of discomfort on my part saved me an entire day of wrangling three little children, whom I love dearly but have no desire to babysit.

Powerful words

Even the smallest of compliments has a way of boosting our confidence and mood all day, so be generous with them to friends, family, and strangers. You never know when you might change someone’s day or even save their life with a simple passing compliment. Kind words cost us nothing and are priceless to those with whom we share them.

Thank you

Much like no, saying “thank you,” can be difficult and should be practiced often. When presented with a compliment, say thank you, and leave it at that.

Human nature is to respond in kind with a compliment of your own, but that may make it seem as if the other person were fishing for a compliment. Another natural reaction is to negate the compliment. For instance, if your coworker Linda says to you,

“That is a beautiful sweater,”

your answer should be,

“Thank you.”

not,

“This old thing? I just threw on the first thing I saw.”

Nor should you return the compliment with a compliment such as,

“I like your sweater too.”

If, in fact, you do admire Linda’s sweater, wait an appropriate amount of time before mentioning it so as not to deter from the compliment that was meant for you.

Another negative response to a compliment is to announce what the item cost. So, don’t tell Linda that you bought that sweater for $3 at Goodwill nor that you paid more for it than you should have.

Just say thank you and bask in the compliment.

“I’m sorry,”

I believe the most over-used phrase in the English language is, “I’m sorry.” Think about the message that phrase sends to yourself.

“I’m sorry.”

Are you really sorry when you accidentally step in front of a stranger?

Are you actually sorry when you interrupt someone’s coffee break?

Are you truly sorry when your children don’t like what you made for dinner?

Not only does this send a demeaning message to your internal dialogue, but it diminishes the effectiveness of the phrase itself. When we say sorry 50 times a day, we dilute its actual meaning and intent.

Try to substitute “I’m sorry,” with, “I apologize, or excuse me,” which are usually far more appropriate.

Adding insult to injury

The term, “I’m sorry,” should be reserved for times when you’ve caused actual physical, psychological, or emotional pain. And even in those instances, be sure to just apologize. Anytime we follow an apology with “but,” “if,” or “however,” it negates the actual apology.

“I’m sorry, but you shouldn’t have done that.”

“I’m sorry, however, I don’t know what you expected.”

“I’m sorry, but you would have done the same thing.”

“I’m sorry if you think I was unkind.”

If you are tempted to use this kind of language, remember: You have the right to remain silent.

To truly demonstrate that you are sorry, follow an apology with a request for forgiveness.

“I’m sorry I lost my temper and yelled at you. Will you forgive me?”

Go ahead, ma’am me

The words ma’am and sir are terms of respect. By rejecting the word, you imply that you don’t deserve that level of respect. Even when delivered in a snide or condescending tone, it still puts you in the position of authority. So, the next time someone says,

"Yes Ma'am,"

to you, just silently say to yourself,

"Damn right Ma'am, and don't forget it!"

Please

Another overused word in our language is the “magic word, please.” Of course, please, is always appropriate when asking for forgiveness, assistance, or support. But it has become customary to say please when asking others to take action for which they are already responsible.

Both please and plea are derived from the Latin, “placer,” so the next time you are tempted to ask, “please,” try the phrase, “I would appreciate it,” or “It would be much appreciated,” which is appropriate in many cases and reserves the more powerful, “please,” for another time.

Instead of asking a coworker to,

“Please respond in a timely manner.”

Consider,

“A timely response will be much appreciated.”

Engagement exercise 1:
Take note of how many times a day you use the phrase, “I’m sorry,” and in what circumstances. At the end of the day evaluate the list and determine how many times an “I’m sorry,” was appropriate, and how often the phrases, “I apologize,” or “excuse me,” would have been sufficient.

I’m sorry: appropriate Y/N

____________________________________________________ _____

Engagement exercise 2:

Find a partner to practice asking for the most outrageous favors you can think of, and take turns saying “NO,” without excuses or apologies. It should get easier every time. Document how it feels:

Suggestions for favors:

May I borrow $1,000 to take my date to a fancy dinner?

Will you buy me a new car?

May I take your dog to the club with me to meet girls/guys?

Vacay Q&A playlist: Valuable Voice