Quantum happiness series- be the leader of your own life
Authority = awesome
sauce
There are times when we must take control.
Whether at home, at work, or in relationships, if we fall into the habit of
letting others dictate our thoughts, feelings, and actions, we lose ourselves
in their lives.
Remember, we teach others how to treat us, and
by blindly following instead of leading, we signal to others that we are
willing to sacrifice ourselves for them. In some instances, such as work, it is
necessary to do as we’re told, but not always.
As adults we must sometimes take the reins of a situation and guide it to a successful resolution. We can’t always wait for someone else to do things that are important to us. In fact, because they are important to us, we may do them better, more efficiently, and more enthusiastically than others.
Frustrated focus
For instance, I was recently part of a focus
group that was taking a lot of my time and energy with very little return on my
investment. I was tired of participating
and hoped each meeting would be the last. But every month, the reminder
continued to come.
For a while, I attended but remained distant
and disengaged with the group because I had lost interest and was simply
waiting for someone else to cry uncle. But at some point, I realized that if I
didn’t want to be there, I had to tell someone.
Courageous conversation
I couldn’t blame them for my lack of interest.
So, I mustered my courage and told the group’s leader that I had too much on my
plate and could no longer attend the meetings. To my surprise, she was
thrilled. A potential member had expressed interest in the group, but because
there was no space available, she had been about to decline their request when
I withdrew.
My leaving allowed an excited and engaged new
member to take my place, which was better for both me and the group.
Awesome Authority
Most of us have two levels of aggression,
either completely passive or rabidly aggressive. We go from friendly to
ferocious at the drop of a hat. Both imply a lack of control.
Authority lives in the middle ground between
passive and aggressive. When we lose our temper, we lose our power. To conquer
ennui, we must tap into that source of calm strength between friendly and
ferocious.
Authority is firm while calm, cool and
collected. And we must be the authority
of our own life, which comes from harnessing the jet fuel of anger with reason
and resourcefulness. There is an engagement exercise at the end of this section
designed to help you recognize your inner authority.
You have the right
to remain silent
Silence is one of the best and most underused
tools in our communications toolbox. It has a way of cutting through drama and
allowing the person speaking to hear themselves.
If my hypothetical coworker, Linda, and I are
having a dispute about who is going to take their lunch break first and she
yells at me,
“You always get to
take lunch first.”
The best thing I can do is be quiet. To remind
her that she took an early lunch the day before, will only serve to infuriate
her further.
By escalating the situation, I would be
letting her determine how my valuable energy is spent. Shutting my mouth and
letting her words hang in the air, gives her a chance to hear what she just
said. Chances are she will quickly remember her early lunch the day before
without any nudging from me.
Timing is
everything
Of course, silence is not always the answer. Each situation requires careful evaluation and deliberate self-control. But when we’ve made up our mind and stated our position clearly and firmly, saying anything else will simply deter from our message. If the other person wants to rant and rave, let them listen to themselves without interruption. This positions you as the level-headed authority in the room.
Engagement exercise
1:
Stand in front of a mirror
·
Lean to one side and smile your biggest, friendliest smile.
·
Lean to the other side and make the maddest, meanest face you can
make.
·
Now explore the areas in between where the smile is replaced by intensity
instead of anger.
Take note, that’s the face of your inner
authority. Make him/her your friend.
Engagement exercise
2:
The next time you
find yourself in a conversation that is taking a heated turn, be quiet and do
not engage any further, no excuses, no apologies. Document the results.
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How to be the leader of your own life
Sources and resources:
Video: CBS This Morning- Path
to Courage
Video: Vanessa Van Edwards-
Body Language of Leaders
Podcast: How to Speak with More Authority
Book: Dare to Lead by Brene Brown
Book: Leadership in Turbulent Times by Doris Kerns Goodwin
Book: The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav
Website: ThriveGlobal.com – How to be the Authority in Your Own Life
Website: PsychCentral.com – Silence as Communication Tool
Website: SuccessConsciousness.com – How to Take Charge of Your Life
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