Quantum Happiness Series - How to Cherish Criticism

“Fearing criticism is fearing progress.”

–Marsha Egan

While we must be careful with our choice of words, at times we are required to offer constructive criticism. However, there are ways to soften the blow of criticism and bolster confidence.

When offering constructive criticism, start with what’s right. A good ratio to shoot for is 80/20.

Let’s say Linda is repetitively late for work, and as her supervisor, I am tasked with reprimanding her for that behavior. I might start by saying,

“Linda, I appreciate all your hard work on the project last week. I know it was a lot, and you did a wonderful job. I actually need your help with another matter. It’s my responsibility to make sure everyone clocks in as soon as they get here, so I need you to be sure and have your timecard punched by 8:00 a.m. in order to set a good example for the entire office.”

Now, instead of feeling defeated and reprimanded, Linda understands the importance of being on time while feeling like she is an important part of the team.

I message

Whether resolving a conflict or offering constructive criticism, it is important to use the pronoun “I” instead of “you.”

For instance, it would be far more productive for me to tell Linda,

“I need to take an early lunch,”

as opposed to,

“You are going to have to take a later lunch break today.”

Using the I message, allows me to take responsibility for my actions without blaming or bossing her.

Avoid absolute qualifiers

Another conflict management trap to avoid is the use of absolute qualifiers like “always,” and “never.” While they may not sound like it, they are fighting words. When you start throwing around statements like,

“You always_________________,” or “You never ________________”

the other person becomes defensive and the communication disintegrates into conflict. So, try to use specifics instead of absolutes.

“You’ve been late four out of five days this week. Is everything okay?”

On the receiving end:

Receiving constructive criticism is tricky as well. We all have a natural tendency to reject negative comments and take offense when confronted with them. Not everyone knows the subtle art of giving constructive criticism effectively, so it is up to us to interpret what we are told.

When confronted with criticism, instead of rejecting it out of hand, consider the source of the comment and not the way it is presented.

· Is there any truth in the statement?

· Is there anything to be learned from it?

· Is there any way to use this to improve my circumstances?

· If this were coming from someone else, how would I respond?

o In other words, separate the message from the messenger.

It takes practice to analyze criticism objectively without emotion, but once learned, the skill will prove invaluable and be useful for the rest of your life.

If, after analysis, you deem the criticism to be incorrect, reject it. The choice is yours. But if you reject it without consideration, not only may you be dismissing valuable information, but that criticism will remain unresolved and become yet another passive source of stress silently nourishing the roots of ennui.

Engagement exercise 1:

The next time you are offended or insulted, unplug your emotions and analyze the criticism. Is there anything to be learned from the experience? Maybe not, but the more you practice this analyzation technique, the easier it will be to tolerate and learn from both positive and negative criticism.

Engagement exercise 2:

Recall the last time you received criticism and answer the following questions.

· Did you evaluate the information?

o Why or why not?

____________________________________________________

· Did you learn anything useful?

o If so, what?

____________________________________________________

· What might emotionless evaluation have revealed?

____________________________________________________

Engagement exercise 3:

Recall the last time you gave criticism and answer the following questions.